My Word Babbling

30 Aug

My world is a very sheltered, boring and tedious one.  Filled with stress, anxiety, worry and slim-to-none hopefulness that one day it will change.  But as the days, months and years go by, I’m slowly letting the breath out.

Let me start (I’m a little behind) by saying that I’m a 39 year old depressed male.  Not depressed in the clinical sense, but in the sense that life as it has turned out is not quite what I was quite expecting.  Don’t get me wrong, today I’m as happy as I was a decade ago.  I have a wife, 3 kids (a boy and two girls) that are the absolute love of my life.  If there is a flicker of happiness in my life, it comes from them and them alone.  

Friends are few and far between now, which is a change from my youth.  I was friends with everyone.  Never got into a shouting match, scuffle or fight with anyone…ever (wife included).  I’m what you would call a human “door mat”…welcome, wipe your shoes and stay a while….always accommodating, never complaining, and will bend over backwards (sometime to points I’d rather not go) to keep the peace, stay the course and not rock the boat.  It’s exhausting.

I work at a place that doesn’t really show me much gratitude, although I’m sure they do have it for me, I just haven’t seen it lately.  I do have talents though…I can write, I’m semi-intelligent (or so I think…I do have a University Degr…ya, you’re right, that doesn’t count)…well, I think I’m smart anyways.  The shitty part of my life is not work related though.  I know that may be a part of it, but it’s not the root.  Perhaps it’s actions in my life that I’m not happy with.  I’ve done things, like everyone has, that they are not proud of….that’s part of life.  It’s just like the happiness in my life is slowly slipping away.

I know that there are ups and downs in life, everyone goes through that too.  Perhaps this is just a downturn that’s waiting for the bend in the road, or the upswing in the hill, but these really are the shitty parts of life.  

Happiness seems to be something I’ve always been looking for.  When I met my (future) wife, I was happy to finally find someone that I thought I could spend the rest of my life with…partner to do all things with, experience and grow with, become a pair to be reckoned with (what ever that means)…and for the most part that’s true.  We’ve built a family, live in the suburbs and have a home with electricity, running water, computers and TVs…it’s comfortable and relatively safe.  But isn’t there more.

I just posed a question to a long time friend of mine.  If you could choose something to do for the rest of your life (a job to do forever), knowing that you’ll be picking something you know you’ll love, and even if you weren’t paid for doing it, you’d jump out of bed to do it anyways.  I’m still waiting for his answer, so I’ll just give mine:

As stupid as this sounds, I’d love to open up a bar, pub, social gathering hole, lounge, something where people come to chill and relax, unwind and forget about the troubles of the day or the next day for just a few hours.  I think having something like that, which would hopefully make money too, would be the ultimate high.  I would spend 24 hours a day in a place like that.  Giving people, even complete strangers, an escape, a little freedom, solitude, company…things I’d look for if I was them…what am I saying I “is” them!  Even a little place, with regulars, neighbours, friends, family, good music, drinks, comfort food.  What would be wrong or bad with something like that?  None that I can see…for now.

Well, that’s what I had in my mind today.  Making a change in the world, one word babble at a time…